Finding Your Force

Does personal growth reach its apex when we reach the age of 50, as some mid-20th century scholars said? Retired professor of psychology Martha Jennings has discovered that many of us continue growing, which she labels “finding your force.” In this “From Our Readers” essay.

My friend is pondering her life. “How did I get here?” she says. And I just can’t stifle my cheeky reply. “Well,” I say, “I suppose it was by the usual method.” But I do sympathize with her. The same sort of pondering happened for me some time ago. I looked back at my life, took stock and wondered: “Did I do the best I possibly could with what I had? Should I do something about the things I left undone?” Then a question of another sort came to mind: “Exactly where or what is this space that my friend and I call ‘here’? What is going on right now?”

My “here”

In this latest chapter of my life, a profound and unforeseen personal change has been happening for me. No, it’s not that change. Nor is it about any malady connected with aging. The change of which I speak takes the form of a pleasant evolution in perspective. It’s an attitude transition that brings with it an unexpected energy, a type of “force,” you might say, that seems to happen for a lot of people of a certain age. So readers of these words may very likely identify with what I am about to share.

Here’s what it amounts to for me. In recent years, I am living in a calmer state of mind. I am less disturbed by everyday stresses and strains, not as “driven” to prove myself as I used to be and not so “determined to please.” My judgments and decisions about most things are almost automatic, more comfortable and natural than ever before. Compulsions to have all the answers are a thing of the past. You know, some things just are the way they are, “What you see is what you get,” and that’s OK with me.

These are familiar qualities. I witnessed them among certain special older folks I knew in my youth. Theirs was a confident wisdom, a spirited style, an unabashed, non-judgmental, impressively curious enthusiasm about living. They enjoyed every aspect of their lives despite everyday craziness occurring all around them. And now, all these years later, I am the one finding my place as a “senior,” and I see in myself the same serenity, patience, and wisdom I saw in my elders so many years ago.

What does this mean?

Well, I assume these are the fruits of maturity. I say “I assume” because no one ever told me this would happen. The mid-20th century scholars taught us that a developmental growth apex is reached by about age 40 or 50 and generally stays the same thereafter. I had no reason to question those claims. My experience of myself in youth fit the existing theory bases just fine. Yet now a more recent generation of scholars has discovered that many seniors continue to grow and transform in attitude for as long as we live. The transformational experience could be compared with a “newly emergent awareness.” It’s hard to explain. But the results of it include enhanced abilities to look beyond ourselves toward more meaningful connections with the world. The big payoffs, of course, show up as new levels of contentment, satisfaction, happiness with life and a calmer state of being.*

Yes, I know, my words come across like a Zen master teaching about the state of “Enlightenment.” And I playfully wonder to myself, “Could this be a carryover from counterculture days as a ‘boomer’? Is it a remnant of yesteryear’s intensified interest in Eastern spiritualism that is now gradually seeping into the fabric of my ‘golden years’?” That’s an interesting prospect. But I can’t say for certain. Altered states are difficult if not impossible to study, and scholars have a history of skepticism about investigating claims made by elders who say things like: “I feel connected with the entire universe, I feel that I am a part of everything alive, or, I feel a strong connection with both earlier and future generations.” Even younger folks in their 50s and 60s are inclined to think these claims sound weird and don’t understand what we mean.

As it turns out, the meanings are as varied as the people who offer them. Some say their changes are based on religious faith. Some link their transformations to an enhanced relationship with nature. Still others claim it’s due to deeper connections with particular people in their lives. It’s an individual thing, different for everyone, and besides all that, it seems to be linked to a type of nonverbal, sensory level of consciousness. That last item is a big part of the reason it is so hard to explain, study, and understand. How can meaning be conveyed without words?

So … what lessons are embedded here?

Well, for one thing, getting older seems to have more potential for growth than previously thought. For another, our elders probably didn’t tell us what to expect about “outlook” in later years because there are no words that adequately convey the experience. On this point I am inclined to wonder if right brain function is at work here. You know, something akin to musical composition or some other artistic form of expression … a happening that just comes to you when all factors are just right.

And then, of course, perceptions are distinctively different from one individual to another. No two are exactly alike. No wonder I didn’t know what to make of the space and time that I now call “here.” I was looking for an answer from outside myself. What I really needed to do was trust my internal sensations as the best indicators of truth and not rely too much on what other people tell me I should do, say, or think. I believe my friend is doing that very thing with her pondering right now.

The kind of transformation described here is a wonderful thing and should be shared, celebrated, and encouraged. So as a parting shot for all those who identify with my words, you can be assured you are not alone and there is nothing weird about you. Actually, you are to be congratulated! These new awarenesses probably signify you have reached the pinnacle of growth as a fully mature human being. And for those who do not see a reflection of yourselves described here, if you have a wish to explore the phenomenon, please consider the concept of “openness” as a useful tool for doing just that. Openness is the one quality that I think applies to every single one of those folks I count as models of maturity from my youth.

Like my friend and her life review, they were open to their own wishes to complete unfinished business from the past; they were open to a realistic acceptance of themselves as they were and the world around them as it was; they were open to reconsidering circumstances surrounding old hurts and grudges; and most of all, they were open to new directions and possibilities for the future. Detailed descriptions of how real people have used the tool of openness to work for themselves is easily accessed through the citation below. I recommend it as a guide for those who are interested.

I am unclear about how or why this new state of living emerges. And I can’t guarantee it will happen for everyone. But I am willing to bet that if “openness” is present, then “Finding Your Force” is probably more likely to happen, and growth to full maturity will most likely follow.

*Tornstam, L. (2005 ). Maturing into gerotranscendence. The Journal of Transpersonal Psychology, 43(2). 166-180 offers copious examples of elder self-redefinition discovered through his research at: https://www.atpweb.org/jtparchive/trps-43-11-02-166.pdf

Martha Jennings is a New England author and retired professor of psychology.

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