Reignite Passion with Your Partner

Is it possible to reignite passion with your partner when one – or both of you – loses interest? Dr. Howard LeWine of offers professional health guidance.

Question: My wife and I have fallen into a pattern of rarely having sex. I think both of us have lower sex drives these days. What can we do to get us more engaged in sex again?

Answer: Couples should never consider a drop in sexual desire as their new reality. While it’s normal to lose your sexual drive at times, that doesn’t mean it’s permanent and you can’t do anything about it,

No matter whether you, your partner, or both experience low sex drive, the first step to managing the issue is to talk about it together. One of the initial goals of the conversation is to clarify that low sex drive is not a sign of rejection.

“People can feel that their partner’s low sex drive means that their partner no longer finds them attractive, and that in turn lowers their own feelings of sexuality,” says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Center. “Explaining that a diminished libido is not personal and you still find them desirable can put both people on the right path from the start.”

Both partners should share what they enjoy before and during sex, what issues may be hindering their sex drive, and how they can work together toward a common goal of being more intimate.

Communication can also strengthen your emotional bond. “An emotional connection can increase physical attraction and desire, especially when you are working together to improve the relationship,” says Bober.

Here are other suggestions to reignite passion with your partner

• Return to dating. Think about the excitement that comes when people enter a new relationship. Couples can recreate a lot of that newness, which can lead to a spark in sexual desire for both people. For example, schedule regular dates with your partner, and plan outings that involve new experiences.
• Engage in other types of physical intimacy. Spend time hugging, kissing, holding hands, and exploring each other’s bodies without sex being the goal. “Focusing on so-called ‘outercourse’ can be enormously pleasurable while also reducing any performance pressure that could affect sex drive,” says Bober.
• Plan time for intimacy. If motivation is a barrier, set up a sex date. “Sometimes you just need to make sex happen to jump-start your libido,” Bober says. “This way, neither partner needs to feel pressured to initiate, but rather together you can plan for and anticipate some physical connection with each other. If sex doesn’t happen, that’s okay. But creating a ritual can help establish the perception that regular intimacy is central to your relationship.”
• Show your desire. Telling your partner you still find them attractive is not enough. “Make a regular effort to compliment your partner both physically and emotionally, and show that you still want a connection,” says Bober.

An Excerpt from Love After 50

Howard LeWine, M.D., is an internist at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston and assistant professor at Harvard Medical School. For additional consumer health information, please visit www.health.harvard.edu.

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