Granddad Wants to Bond with but Not Hold his Grandkids
Is he OK to want what he wants?
When a granddad wants to bond with his grandchildren, but he doesn’t want to hold them as infants. Is he weird or is this OK? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I have a situation that’s bothered me for years. I’m a grandfather. I’m going to be 78 this year. I have five children and eight grandchildren.
I’m not a baby person. I don’t like holding them and doing all the things some people do with babies.
I don’t think it’s healthy for parents to pass their babies around the room to be held – by strangers in some cases.
I’m worried I’m not bonding with the infants and feel weird when the parents ask why I don’t want to hold or kiss my grandbabies.
When they get to be around 6 years old, I like interacting with them.
In my generation, the man worked and made the money for the family so they would have a house and what they needed to live comfortably. It was the wife’s job to manage the kids. I would like to add; I put all my kids through college with no student loans.
Am I weird? Should I try to change? I respect your advice.
– Arm’s-length Granddad
Dear Granddad:
I wouldn’t worry so much about weirdness. You’re doing what’s most comfortable for you with your own body and relationships. That’s totally fine. There are many parents, for example, who let children decide if they want to give hugs and other forms of physical contact, rather than encouraging or telling them to. It’s about autonomy and what works for the individual and the family.
For the most part, it sounds like not holding the babies in your family is working for you. The issue, then, is the question of bonding. If you feel that something is lacking in your connections to your grandchildren in their early years, there are other ways to address it.
First, talk to their parents about your desire to bond with the babies and ask them if there are creative solutions that don’t involve holding them. It could be as simple as being next to someone who is holding the baby, holding the infant’s hand, or, as they get older, engaging in play with them. Define what bonding means for you and for your family.
There are many different developmental stages in childhood and many entry points for bonding. Don’t stress too much about missing out on a relatively short stage like infancy. If I may, some of your anxiety may be stemming from your own shifting attitudes about the ways men and women interact with kids. It’s healthy to continue to think about and dream about what’s possible. It can be good to acknowledge that certain things that worked for you in the past, don’t work as well now. Do what feels right for you and stay communicative; those are great steps toward bonding.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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