Is ‘Senior Citizen’ a Worthy Moniker?

While “senior citizen” seems to be the default term for someone of a certain age, Joel Samberg isn’t so sure he wants to claim the title. But what else is there? In “Aged Whine,” Samberg explores some humorous options.

At first I didn’t mind being called a “senior citizen.” After all, it’s a lot better than being called, say, a “geriatric civilian.” I mean, geriatric civilian sounds like something out of science fiction movie about old people who are hunted down just for being old.

At least there’s an authoritative element to the phrase senior citizen, not unlike seniors in high school. High school seniors have the right to look down on underclassmen simply because the younger students have not yet made it through every puzzling report card, intimidating SAT, disastrous prom, and nerve-racking college application, as most seniors have.

I’ve spent a lifetime submitting to the whims of others, so it’s long overdue that I should be the authoritative figure in my own life. I’ve paid my dues. I survived. Given how difficult life can be, an authoritative nickname would make me feel special. That’s why senior citizen worked for a while.

On the other hand, it’s a phrase that’s been around for a very, very long time. Most people under 65 assume it refers to just about everyone over 65, regardless of who they are or what they’ve  accomplished in life. That’s precisely why senior citizen has stopped making me feel so special.

There are alternatives, however.

“Seasoned citizen” started to become popular a few years ago. It was fine for a while – but after hearing it 10 or 20 times I could not help but picture in my mind’s eye a 68-year-old who has been marinating for a decade in a casserole dish. I don’t want to be seasoned. I don’t want to think about what it’s like to be rare or well-done. I want my life to be thought of as food for thought – not just food!

So I googled substitutes for senior citizen and was shocked by what I read online. Among the choices were Methuselah, pensioner, patriarch, golden-ager, old-timer, grandame, dowager, graybeard, gaffer, dotard…

Oh my! Those simply will not do.

As a professional writer for more than 50 years, I’ve considered advocating for the word “scribe” to be my personal replacement for senior citizen. Not only does scribe refer to my livelihood and passion, but the word somehow has the ring of respect and achievement. It almost speaks to intellectualism which, for someone like me who only got as far as a bachelor of arts, could very well make some people think that I have an advanced degree.

Although that would be anything but true, it would still make sense for me to use the word scribe as a replacement for senior citizen. Why? Because a scribe is a storyteller, and by giving myself a PhD, all I’m really doing is making up a story about myself. Right?

Of course, anyone who really knows me already knows I don’t have a PhD, and that would give them license to use one of several other words to describe me – like phony, fraudster, and imposter.

Fine. Maybe I’ll just stick with senior citizen.

Joel Samberg’s work has appeared in Pittsburgh Magazine, Hartford Magazine, Brooklyn Magazine, Moment Magazine and many others. He also writes the popular monthly “Off Ramp” column for Connecticut Magazine, for which he recently won first place in the humor column category from the Connecticut division of the Society of Professional Journalists. He is also the author of eight published books. Recently Joel founded a community theater and performing arts group in Avon, Connecticut, called Playhouse 44.