Do You Need Skeletons in Your Closet?
Joel Samberg does
“I have no real skeletons in my closet,” writes boomer humorist Joel Samberg. He wonders if a few scandals might contribute to greater success and suggests a few that might qualify.
I’ve written many published articles and columns and even a couple of books. Nevertheless, I often joke that at 69 years of age, the reason I have been unable to become a well-known writer is because I have no real skeletons in my closet. Doesn’t it sometimes seem that becoming a famous writer requires you to be an alcoholic, a former drug addict, or the product of a broken home? Doesn’t it sometimes seem that becoming a famous writer requires you to have been in a few drunken brawls or to have had an affair with your married housekeeper? Doesn’t it sometimes seem that becoming a famous writer requires you to have just filed for your fifth bankruptcy and forgotten to pay your taxes for the last 17 years?
I don’t fulfill any of those requisites. I wonder if I should feel bad about that.
So I racked my brain to come up with something – anything – that might qualify as a skeleton in my closet. I wonder how many of you do that from time to time – not only those of you who want to be writers, but also those of you who feel a skeleton in the closet is at least a little more exciting than a moth-eaten sweater.
Here’s my report:
I was threatened with lawsuits – twice! Does that count?
The first time was by a relative. (Even more egregious that way!) He erroneously assumed that I was infringing on his business. (I wasn’t.) The second time was when I was writing my book about Karen Carpenter called Some Kind of Lonely Clown, and was warned by a supercilious interview source that the Carpenter estate would sue me for such an “offensive title.” (They didn’t.)
I was also hugged and kissed by a porn star. Does that count?
She happened to have been the niece of a distant relative with whom I once worked on a television reality show. His niece, the porn star, appreciated the fact that I treated her like a long-lost relative instead of as a porn star. I don’t think she was used to that.
I’ve been falsely accused of plagiarism and forgery. That’s gotta count, right?
The plagiarism happened in ninth grade, when my English teacher sent a note home to my parents saying that my book report on A Tale of Two Cities was too well written for a 15-year-old. (I didn’t plagiarize it.) The forgery allegedly happened when my wife and I closed on our house in Connecticut. The mortgage company refused the paperwork saying that my signature on the closing documents did not match my signature on the mortgage application. (There were plenty of witnesses!)
No? None of those count as skeletons? Then I guess I’ll just continue doing what I’m doing and let whatever happens happen. If I have to keep coming up with titles that might upset some people, or if I have to keep on hugging porn stars, so be it.
Joel Samberg’s work has appeared in Pittsburgh Magazine, Hartford Magazine, Brooklyn Magazine, Moment Magazine and many others. He also writes the popular monthly “Off Ramp” column for Connecticut Magazine, for which he recently won first place in the humor column category from the Connecticut division of the Society of Professional Journalists. He is also the author of eight published books. Recently Joel founded a community theater and performing arts group in Avon, Connecticut, called Playhouse 44.
Read more Boomer in our Humor department and from humorists including Greg Schwem and heartfelt smiles from Randy Fitzgerald.
