Friends Are Excluding Their Ill Friend
Leaving her feeling lonely and left out
A woman’s illness has left her lonely as her friends are excluding her. Their words are kind, but their actions lack empathy. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I have an incurable disease that governs my life. I’ve had this disease for years, but the past four years I’ve deteriorated quite significantly and I never know if I can keep plans or go out with others until the last minute.
Because of this, I can’t eat from restaurants, I must carry my own food, and my friends have completely stopped asking me to join them in any capacity – even a group outing where me not coming wouldn’t hinder the event.
I feel very left out. I’ve expressed this and for a bit I was “re-included” but I’ve gotten very ill this last year and I’m even more house bound.
I’d be OK with people gathering at my place just so I can have a social life, but I don’t live near them, like 30 minutes away. They say it’s a burden to drive out to me, yet I see they post on social media places that are out by me or 30 minutes from them in the other direction.
They refer to me as a great friend. Some say BFF. But I’m treated like I don’t exist.
What do you suggest? I’m only 62 and may have many years to go, although not the healthiest, but I’m still here.
– Feeling Left Out
Dear Left Out:
I’m sorry your health and your social situation are causing so much difficulty in your life. It can be so easy for folks to forget that we all have needs and wants that our friends accommodate. Remembering that we’re all here to support each other and to see each other in our fullness – what we need and what we have in abundance; what we can still learn and what we know by heart – is one of the gifts of friendship.
It may be helpful to think about your friends individually, rather than as a group. Are there some who were better at “re-inclusion” than others? You might try to reach out to them with a concrete suggestion of something you’d like to do.
It’s also OK to challenge your friends when they say things like driving to see you is a burden. That’s not language that expresses care. Say something like, “I feel hurt and dismissed when you say things like that. I value you as a friend and from what you’ve said, I believe you value me. But it’s hard for me to feel that when you won’t help me stay included.” If they can’t or won’t meet you where you are, conceptually and physically, they may not be the friends you need at this point in your life.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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