Retirement Causes Marriage Problems
They got along fine for more than four decades
Their marriage was wonderful for 41 years – till they both retired. Now retirement causes marriage problems and the wife is considering a divorce. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
What should one consider if thinking about divorce? My spouse and I have been married for more than 40 years; the first 41 were very positive. We both worked so were not underfoot, were supportive and loving of each other and had many wonderful experiences.
Now over time in retirement, daily life has become unpleasant. We both had a major health issue and supported each other through it.
However, my spouse is generally negative and critical toward me, which is wearing on me. Couples therapy isn’t an option.
Even though we have a wonderful history, I’m not sure I want to live the remainder of my life like this. I know I could get by financially, although the divorce process itself would undoubtedly be fraught.
However, I can’t see what the future would look like alone as a currently active senior citizen, so I feel stuck. What can you suggest for me to help work through this decision?
– On the Cusp
Dear Cusp:
I’m sorry your marriage has become difficult for you. Changes in life can, of course, change the way marriages work; spouses have to endeavor to meet each other where they are throughout a union. But the negativity and criticalness your spouse is exhibiting makes that hard and it’s not fair. This isn’t healthy for either of you.
You write that couples counseling isn’t an option. Is this because your spouse won’t agree to go? That’s a huge roadblock for many couples. If your spouse acknowledges that there is a problem but won’t do anything to fix it, it puts you in a bind.
You do have options, however. First, you can explore therapy on your own. Even if you were going to couples counseling, I’d encourage you to also talk with someone one-on-one so that you can process your feelings and make plans for the future with clear eyes.
You might even tell your spouse that you’re going to therapy and talk about why. You might explain that part of your motivation is because you want to have a better quality of life. It can become easy to take life, love, and long-term companionship for granted. It’s important to recognize that they are gifts and, with therapy, we can continue to appreciate them and navigate changes.
Also consider talking to a divorce attorney. This doesn’t commit you to anything. Right now, the future probably looks daunting and hazy. Being able to think through your financial and legal position, as well as your possibilities for social support, will give you more information with which to make a decision.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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