Retirement Causes Marriage Problems
They got along fine for more than four decades
Their marriage was wonderful for 41 years – till they both retired. Now retirement causes marriage problems and the wife is considering a divorce. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in. UPDATED on Sept. 22, 2026 with a reader reply.
Dear Eric:
What should one consider if thinking about divorce? My spouse and I have been married for more than 40 years; the first 41 were very positive. We both worked so were not underfoot, were supportive and loving of each other and had many wonderful experiences.
Now over time in retirement, daily life has become unpleasant. We both had a major health issue and supported each other through it.
However, my spouse is generally negative and critical toward me, which is wearing on me. Couples therapy isn’t an option.
Even though we have a wonderful history, I’m not sure I want to live the remainder of my life like this. I know I could get by financially, although the divorce process itself would undoubtedly be fraught.
However, I can’t see what the future would look like alone as a currently active senior citizen, so I feel stuck. What can you suggest for me to help work through this decision?
– On the Cusp
Dear Cusp:
I’m sorry your marriage has become difficult for you. Changes in life can, of course, change the way marriages work; spouses have to endeavor to meet each other where they are throughout a union. But the negativity and criticalness your spouse is exhibiting makes that hard and it’s not fair. This isn’t healthy for either of you.
You write that couples counseling isn’t an option. Is this because your spouse won’t agree to go? That’s a huge roadblock for many couples. If your spouse acknowledges that there is a problem but won’t do anything to fix it, it puts you in a bind.
You do have options, however. First, you can explore therapy on your own. Even if you were going to couples counseling, I’d encourage you to also talk with someone one-on-one so that you can process your feelings and make plans for the future with clear eyes.
You might even tell your spouse that you’re going to therapy and talk about why. You might explain that part of your motivation is because you want to have a better quality of life. It can become easy to take life, love, and long-term companionship for granted. It’s important to recognize that they are gifts and, with therapy, we can continue to appreciate them and navigate changes.
Also consider talking to a divorce attorney. This doesn’t commit you to anything. Right now, the future probably looks daunting and hazy. Being able to think through your financial and legal position, as well as your possibilities for social support, will give you more information with which to make a decision.
Reader on marriage problems in retirement
Dear Eric:
I can identify with the letter writer who is unhappy after 40 years of marriage (“On the Cusp”). I have been married 62 years and though I truly love my spouse, retirement has brought out some negatives that were easier to overlook when we were both out of the house.
We have found that joining groups with different activities, volunteering and even working part time has helped us better prioritize our time and leaves less time for negativity.
We have more to talk about at the end of the day instead of focusing on each other and what makes us unhappy. The friendships we have developed over the years would truly be a huge loss if we were to separate and if On The Cusp finds some outside interests to involve both of them they can keep this marriage going through the rough patch.
– Been There, Done More
Dear Been There:
Thank you for this great perspective. Marriages can be completely different in retirement, just as they’re completely different when raising children, or caregiving, or in many other phases of life. It can be helpful for couples to make a concerted effort to get to know each other again and to get to know themselves. I love that you and your spouse worked on enriching your lives and let that enrichment spill over into your union.
One other note on the original letter. A few people suggested that if the letter writer’s husband’s behavior has changed dramatically, the cause may be more complex than simply retirement. It may be worth getting a medical evaluation to rule out something more serious.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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