Changing Sibling Dynamics As We Age

A woman is disappointed in her relationship with her brother, feeling that the brother has drifted away. Advice columnist Eric Thomas gives his thoughts on changing sibling dynamics.

Dear Eric:

Although I’m six years older than my brother, I have always considered us close. After our parents passed many years ago, that all seemed to change. I’m thankful for holidays and our birthdays as they are now the only time I get a phone call. On every anniversary of our mom and dad’s birth or death day, I have texted a “Thinking of” message to my brother. He has always responded. This year, on our father’s birthday, I didn’t text him as I was sick with covid and pneumonia. I did receive a quick text of acknowledgment late that night. Within my response, I let him know of my illness. He replied with a “Get well soon.”

At 72, this recent illness had me down for more than a month. I expected that he’d phone to check on me but I’ve yet to receive one. Consequently, I’m re-evaluating my relationship with my brother. Although he’s an intelligent man, a good father and husband, he’s married to a demanding wife who hasn’t encouraged me and my husband to be close with them nor my nieces and nephews. When my husband and I visit once or twice a year, we feel it’s more of an obligation on their part than a warm connection. I’m tired of it.

From past experience, I know if I address it, regardless of my approach, he’ll become defensive and argumentative. My only alternative is to continue bumbling along accepting that my life may not be as important to him as I want to believe.

– Lost Relationship

Dear Relationship:

One of the benefits of having a sibling is that we get to know them anew at multiple times throughout life. This can also be a challenge. You and your brother have different communication styles. While his lack of communication doesn’t feel good to you, it may not be an indication that you’re not important to him.

You have expectations and hopes for what the relationship should be, which is fine. For instance, you value calls, especially on significant days or when you’re sick. These aren’t ridiculous asks. But they may not be in your brother’s wheelhouse.

I know this is disappointing and can be hurtful. It may be helpful to think back on the time when you felt closer to him and try to identify where those feelings were coming from. What were you both doing and saying that signified that closeness to you? Are there ways of adapting some of those things to your lives now? It won’t be what it was – you write that many years have passed since that time and your family structure is different – but by being proactive about recognizing who your brother is now and managing your expectations of that person, you’ll feel less like you’re bumbling along.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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Find more words of wisdom like changing sibling dynamics – from insensitive parents to a husband’s mid-life crisis, DNA surprises, and more – in the Boomer Advice for Life department.

For advice targeted to senior adults and their families – like caregiving, grandparenting, retirement communities, and more – browse Asking Eric on SeniorGuide.com.