Adult Children Fight at Family Gatherings

Two of a family’s adult children fight with each other whenever the family gets together, spoiling the day for everyone. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.

Dear Eric:

I have three adult children. About three years ago there was an issue, and my oldest, Doug, and middle, Linda, disrespected each other. It wasn’t a small issue, but (in my and my wife’s opinion) it wasn’t a huge offense.

Neither will apologize. They refuse to speak to each other.

We have tried many ways to try and bridge the gap, to no success. I’m not asking for them to kiss and make up. I’m just saying, “Be cordial, be humane to other people in our house.”

We host holiday meals, and birthday parties at our house, and this animosity really hurts and makes the dynamics difficult. Even seating at the table needs to be arranged.

Recently, I told my wife, “Only people that are willing to be humane and cordial will be invited to family meals.” My wife doesn’t want to do that, in part she fears losing access to grandchildren. I said, “Fine, for Easter meals they can be jerks but for Christmas they have to be cordial. I’ll just go upstairs because it’s too painful to be there. And you can’t holler at me for being a jerk, because you don’t holler at them for being jerks.”

Am I asking too much?

– Stressed Father

Dear Father:

You’re not asking too much but be careful to not let your relationship with your wife become collateral damage to Doug and Linda’s fight. Although you see this situation differently, you and your wife have the same goal of family harmony.

Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that a “civil on Easter, acrimonious on Christmas” kind of split is going to work in practice. It’s more likely that an honest, and plain-spoken appeal to your kids might have an impact. You’ve tried to get them to be civil to each other and to bridge the gap, but I wonder if you’ve told them, clearly and honestly, how painful their poor behavior is for you. They’ve made their anger everyone’s problem and it seems they’re the only ones who don’t have to do anything special to accommodate it. That needs to stop.

See how your wife feels about telling them, “it’s your business how you treat your sibling, but I’m asking you to stop involving me and your mother and the warm home we work so hard to create in this fight.” She may not go for it, and I understand. But by holding the threat of losing access to your grandchildren over you, your kids are showing an unnecessary amount of cruelty to people (you) who don’t deserve it. That’s worth being spoken about in the open.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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