Changing Decades of Control by Toxic Sister
Woman has had enough of her narcissistic personality
I love her but dislike her, a woman writes of her toxic sister. After decades of dealing with her narcissistic personality, she’s ready to take a step back. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My sister and her husband visit my area at least once a year. They presume they’re going to stay at my home with each visit. In turn, she expects my husband and I to visit her while we travel through her area.
I can no longer do this.
She’s a loud, chaotic and competitive narcissist, who I cringe being around. Her noise battery never runs out and the thin ice on our relationship is ready to crack.
It’s taken me a lifetime to work through the scars created by her insecure, never wrong, center stage, toxic ego and I’m living my life no longer behind her.
I’ve quietly and repeatedly tried to help, for I know she struggles with herself, but my attempts are fruitless.
For my own sanity, I won’t host her here any longer, or visit, but I don’t know how to approach this without her having one of her typical major meltdowns. I value your thoughts.
– Love Her But Dislike Her
Dear Love Her:
A guest can’t simply put in a reservation for your house without your say. So, you can avoid visits from your toxic sister by making yourself and your home unavailable the next time. Tell her you don’t have the capacity to host, or you’ll be out of town, or you just can’t make it work.
However, a change of this size – stopping both her visits and yours – requires more than just taking a date off of the calendar. It’s disrupting an established pattern, and some conflict is likely going to be unavoidable.
Is it possible to find alternatives that she’ll actually commit to and that will satisfy your need for a new way of relating? If, for instance, you switched from visits to phone calls, would that change things for you? This may not be the answer, but by starting to think about what you do want, rather than what you don’t, you’ll be able to open up new doors.
It’s important that you not allow your sister’s reactions to dictate your actions. This puts you in the same predicament you’re already in. Avoiding another meltdown may not be the goal. The goal may be that you get to say who visits you and when, and how they behave when they do. Boundaries can protect relationships as much as they define them. If your sister can respect a clearly communicated internal boundary, then you two can move forward. If she can’t or won’t, it’s not your responsibility to adjust.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
Find more words of wisdom like conflicts over parents’ burial plans – from insensitive parents to a husband’s mid-life crisis, DNA surprises, and more:
Boomer Advice for Life department
For advice targeted to senior adults and their families – like caregiving, grandparenting, retirement communities, and more:
