Couple’s Sudden Difference

After his wife lost significant income, the husband stews over money while she has a positive attitude. The couple’s sudden difference in outlook has her concerned about their marriage. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.

Dear Eric:

I am 63, my husband is 65. We consider ourselves “young” for our ages.

The other day I took a quiz that was supposed to determine “biological age” versus chronological age. One question was, “Do you expect more good things to happen to you than bad?” I was surprised and disappointed when he said “No.” I asked him why and he said because he was worried about money.

I am self-employed and lost a big client a few months ago that made up over half of my income. I have always been able to find substitute work to replace lost income when necessary. This time it is admittedly taking me longer, I suspect ageism has something to do with it, but I haven’t lost confidence in my ability to get it done and it hurts me that he has.

I tried to tell him that this question wasn’t just about money, it was about an outlook of optimism and a belief that good things will happen. He simply said he couldn’t help it, he just felt like the hole was getting worse.

I don’t want to invalidate his feelings or his worries. But the only other time in our relationship that I’ve felt we were viewing things differently was very early on when we had small children and he felt trapped in a job he hated and honestly, his life. He saw his only way “out” as leaving us. It took years for us to find our way back to each other and merge our past into the new people we became. It’s worked wonderfully for the past 13 years but this sudden difference now in our outlook on life has me worried again.

Am I making too much of this? My worry is that it doesn’t really address what I see as the problem, or does it?

– Always the Optimist

Dear Optimist:

I think you’re correct that the money question and the outlook question may be different. Understandably, his comments are bringing up trauma for you. You want, and should get, reassurance. It may be helpful to say directly, “the way our conversation about money is hitting my ear has me feeling concern that echoes the time when you felt trapped. I don’t think it’s the same, but it would help me to hear you say that and to talk through ways we can stay connected even through stress.”

Separately, you can talk about your finances. You can’t control his worries or his outlook. And some of the outlook may have less to do with the immediate issues and more about life stage. But looking together at the numbers and making contingency plans that take into account many possible scenarios can help reduce anxiety and allow you both to have clearer conversations.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”

Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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