Daughter’s Abusive Boyfriend
Should the other intervene?
A mother is very concerned about the behavior of her daughter’s abusive boyfriend, to the daughter and other family members. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My daughter has a “live-in boyfriend” who, since he moved in, thinks he is the king of the household. He is very disrespectful to me, her dad, and her stepmom.
I tolerated the stuff he said about her dad, and I tolerated him skipping paying my daughter his share of the mortgage for a few months. But when it got so she almost lost her house, I was very upset to say the least.
I said he was like a tenant and needed to help her out, which was the deal when he moved in. He read my text to her and he became enraged. He called me delusional, argumentative, a dictator, and dramatic.
He also said my grandkids didn’t want to be around me. I sent his texts to my daughter and I said I need an apology from him. I never got it, and I said I never want to be around him. She told me I should talk to him first. I said he claims that he loves you and he should apologize to me and should respect me. Am I wrong?
– Disrespected Mom
Dear Mom:
You’re not wrong at all. This man seems like a nightmare. It’s also possible that he is emotionally abusing your daughter, in addition to shirking his financial responsibilities. By trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, and you and your grandkids, he’s doing something called isolation, which is one of the hallmarks of emotional abuse.
Talk seriously, in person and privately, with your daughter about the concerns you have. Try to shift the focus from the apology you’re owed. Instead, point out the unhealthy ways that her boyfriend is behaving – controlling behavior, anger and lashing out, isolating her and her kids, and monitoring her communication. These are all dangerous. But there are resources available to your daughter. A strong family and friend support system is key, so keep in contact. You can also refer her to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE or TheHotline.org). Offer to let her use your phone, if she’s wary of him seeing who she’s calling.
Even if she doesn’t share your concerns, encourage her to just have a conversation with someone else about it. These behaviors may seem like personality quirks to her, but they’re not and they need to be addressed – potentially by removing him from the home – before they escalate.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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