Daughter’s Disrespectful Fiancé
Concerned parents ponder the best course of action
A parent struggles on how to deal with the daughter’s disrespectful fiancé after a recent incident of many. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My daughter has always been respectful and courteous. Her boyfriend is sometimes, but not always, respectful or courteous to us. As far as we know, we have never done anything to create a hostile environment with him. They plan to marry.
A recent incident where he thought I was doing a task wrong (I wasn’t) caused him to react in a most discourteous way and left me wondering if I should finally speak out.
Should I express my concerns to my daughter, telling her that I worry about this behavior being directed at her also? Should my spouse and I threaten to stop all future outings, meals, etc. that we frequently treat them to? Do we speak to him directly, or go through my daughter?
I don’t want to alienate my daughter, but I don’t want to continue to bite my tongue and say nothing, either.
– Tolerant, to a Degree
Dear Tolerant:
Reading between the lines, it seems that though the boyfriend’s recent actions are part of a pattern of behavior that you’re noticing. You write that you are considering “finally” speaking out, which suggests that other incidents have been a problem, though perhaps not as big a problem as this most recent incident.
If that’s the case, then I’d suggest talking to your daughter and also to the boyfriend. Talking to your daughter helps keep her in the loop and can open up a conversation about what appropriate responses are. If you fear that she’s being mistreated in the relationship, you’ll want to make yourself available as a listening ear and a helping hand. So, ultimatums and threats aren’t the best course of action. Instead, point out concerns you’ve had and ask her if she shares those concerns.
You can also let her know that you intend to talk to the boyfriend but make it clear that it’s about your relationship with him not his relationship with your daughter. This, for now, is staying in the appropriate lane. You felt disrespected by him and in order to have a healthy relationship moving forward, you need to address it, share how you felt, and ask for an apology if you feel that’s warranted.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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