DNA Reveals His Kids Aren’t His
What defines a family?
Thirty-four years after his divorce, a man had a DNA revelation: his kids aren’t his by blood. Now, he’s having trouble moving on. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
The short version is I caught my ex-wife in bed with someone when I was 26 years old. At the time I had 2-, 4-, and 6-year-old children. Two boys and one girl. I remarried at 30 years old and am now 64. I just found out through DNA testing that the three kids are not my children. They all have different dads. My ex is remarried and has two children from two other dads.
My first concern is my kids, they will always be my kids to me and are incredible, but I do worry deep down that it has affected them in different ways. With that being said, they have all said I am their dad.
Deep down though, I am having a terrible time dealing with it. Not an hour goes by that I don’t think of it all and when I see any of the six grandchildren, I constantly think they are not blood related to me which unfortunately bothers me a lot. But I also care about them all deeply. How do I handle this?
—Sad Dad
Dear Dad:
I’m going to start by telling you something you know but may be struggling to internalize: blood relation is not what defines a family. It can set the wheels in motion, certainly, but a family is built on and sustained by the connections you have, the love you feel for each other, the history that braids you together and the ways you show up in each other’s lives. You’ve raised these children into adulthood, you’ve been there for them, you love them – they are your children.
Moreover, they have claimed you as their father. That’s so meaningful. This isn’t just a gesture to be nice; this is your children telling you what they want and need to feel whole in this world. And they’re saying they need you, their dad, to continue to be their dad.
Think of this as part of your journey through fatherhood. It’s not what you would have chosen for yourself, sure, but this discovery has given you the opportunity to be intentional about being a parent and grandparent. And it’s given your children the same opportunity. You may not have been part of their conception, but you are their family of origin and you’re their family of choice.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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