DNA Reveals His Kids Aren’t His
What defines a family?
Thirty-four years after his divorce, a man had a DNA revelation: his kids aren’t his by blood. Now, he’s having trouble moving on. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Initially published Oct. 3, 2025; republished Nov. 11, 2025, with reader reply
Dear Eric:
The short version is I caught my ex-wife in bed with someone when I was 26 years old. At the time I had 2-, 4-, and 6-year-old children. Two boys and one girl. I remarried at 30 years old and am now 64. I just found out through DNA testing that the three kids are not my children. They all have different dads. My ex is remarried and has two children from two other dads.
My first concern is my kids, they will always be my kids to me and are incredible, but I do worry deep down that it has affected them in different ways. With that being said, they have all said I am their dad.
Deep down though, I am having a terrible time dealing with it. Not an hour goes by that I don’t think of it all and when I see any of the six grandchildren, I constantly think they are not blood related to me which unfortunately bothers me a lot. But I also care about them all deeply. How do I handle this?
—Sad Dad
Dear Dad:
I’m going to start by telling you something you know but may be struggling to internalize: blood relation is not what defines a family. It can set the wheels in motion, certainly, but a family is built on and sustained by the connections you have, the love you feel for each other, the history that braids you together and the ways you show up in each other’s lives. You’ve raised these children into adulthood, you’ve been there for them, you love them – they are your children.
Moreover, they have claimed you as their father. That’s so meaningful. This isn’t just a gesture to be nice; this is your children telling you what they want and need to feel whole in this world. And they’re saying they need you, their dad, to continue to be their dad.
Think of this as part of your journey through fatherhood. It’s not what you would have chosen for yourself, sure, but this discovery has given you the opportunity to be intentional about being a parent and grandparent. And it’s given your children the same opportunity. You may not have been part of their conception, but you are their family of origin and you’re their family of choice.
Reader reply to Sad Dad and his DNA revelation
Dear Eric:
I wanted to respond to the letter from the father who found out his children did not share his DNA (“Sad Dad”). I am a daughter who discovered after my parents were dead that my father was not my DNA donor.
The father, and your answer, were spot on. I went through a period of feeling unmoored after I found out. I always knew my mother was adopted – no blood relatives save her on the maternal side – now it turned out my father’s blood relatives weren’t my blood relatives.
But after a while – and granted, I am an old woman, been through a lot anyway – my feelings calmed down. I was blessed to have the most wonderful father – no DNA donor could have been better. (I was a little upset at my mom, but she and I will take that up in Heaven). So, please tell the writer from me to take deep breaths and ride out this storm of emotions, it sounds like there are good relations on the other side.
– Grateful Daughter
Dear Daughter:
I heard from many people who made similar discoveries about their families of origin and every one reflected the same sentiment – a gratitude for the parent who was there. I hope the letter writer takes this to heart.
I also received letters from parents who discovered they weren’t the biological parents of the children they raised and loved. Some of those letters wisely suggested that “Sad Dad” also process his feelings with a counselor trained in family therapy. There are a lot of complicated emotions, and they deserve to be heard, and in some cases, healed, so that the family bonds don’t suffer.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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