Friend Is No Longer Invited to Annual Gathering
Five years of obnoxious behavior is enough
After five years of obnoxious behavior from late-night drinking, one friend is no longer invited to a 30-year friends’ reunion. How should the decision be handled? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
For more than 30 years I have gathered with old friends at a remote cabin in the early spring. We have all known each other for a long time. We fish, cook, hike, play cards late into the night and drink beer or cocktails.
One of these friends, over the last five years, has become more and more obnoxious with his late-night drinking. It is at a point where a couple of the other guests will not come if he is there.
Last year, he was out-of-control drunk, yelling at 2 a.m. and keeping everyone awake. He could not be stopped. The next morning, he was unapologetic and acting like “what’s the big deal?”
I have not invited him this year and for some reason I am uncomfortable with that decision. On emails or phone calls he is the old friendly person I have known for years. He is well aware of what he did last year. We all told him. When people say his behavior was unacceptable, he brushes it off and says, “Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it.”
He will not be invited any more, but I am still unsure how to handle this. Do I tell him outright what is going on? Let him figure it out himself? At this point, do I owe him an explanation? To be honest, I don’t even want to discuss it. He will only try to worm his way back into an invitation. I want the problem to just go away.
– Closed Cabin
Dear Cabin:
It sounds to me like you’ve already given him an explanation, and he has chosen to brush it off. I’m not sure much more is warranted.
However, because he’s been included for the last 30 years, it seems unlikely you’ll be able to avoid at least having a conversation about it. He probably expects an invitation and might reach out when one doesn’t come. It may be easier to just address it directly and succinctly. This also might be an opportunity to express your concern about his worsening drinking and ask him to get help. That’s of greater importance than elaborating on the group’s disinvitation.
Depending on the structure of your group, the responsibility of telling him he’s off the guest list may not need to fall squarely on you. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, see if you can tag someone else in.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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