Husband’s Emotional Affair
First it’s over, then it’s not
After her husband’s emotional affair ends, then starts again after he vowed it was over, his wife is devastated and unsure what to do next. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
Several months ago, I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker. He shared significant things with her he didn’t share with me, sought her advice on how to hide his alcohol abuse from me and talked to her about our arguments, while she fueled the negativity against me and trashed me. He also discussed intimate details of our sex life with her which I never consented to being shared.
After several painful conversations about it, we recommitted to our relationship. I asked him to end contact with her. Not out of control, but because I needed space to rebuild trust and because I genuinely doubted her intentions. He agreed, telling me he cared more for me than for her.
Months later, our marriage seemed better than ever to me until I discovered he hadn’t ended the relationship at all. In fact, he was working hard to hide it. When I confronted him, he said he never believed their connection was inappropriate and that asking him to end it crossed a line. Something he had never said before.
I’m devastated. His lies have shattered my trust, and I feel I see a pattern of deception that is making me doubt our whole relationship. Plus, I can’t shake the fear that if this relationship with his coworker wasn’t physical before, it might be now.
But then part of me wonders if I truly was wrong to ask him to end the relationship in the first place and if he’s right that I’m blowing a simple relationship out of proportion just because she’s a woman.
– Fool Me Twice
Dear Fool Me Twice:
I don’t think this is about gender. And I don’t think you’re wrong. Your husband is shifting the goalposts, which isn’t fair and makes it almost impossible to build back a healthy relationship. I’m sorry that this is happening.
Every relationship is unique; every couple is constantly defining and redefining what works for them. It’s more than reasonable to expect that one’s husband wouldn’t share intimate details with a coworker, especially if he’s hiding them from you. And it’s more than reasonable to ask for it to stop, which you did. And he agreed. He’s allowed to change his mind or revisit the conversation, but it’s his responsibility to speak first and then act.
By not doing so, he created the problem, not you.
At this point, it’s important to keep yourself safe emotionally and physically. If you suspect they’re intimate, please get yourself tested. Don’t be afraid to talk with friends or loved ones about what you’re experiencing. His dishonesty creates a distorted reality and what you need is clarity right now, about him, about the relationship, and about your future, which very well may be better without him.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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