Is Angry Daughter-in-Law Abusive?
And now, the grandparents are cut off from their son and grandson
Grandparents fear that their angry daughter-in-law is abusive, and now they’re cut off from their son and grandson. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My husband and I are in our 70s and have never really been able to get close with our daughter-in-law.
She and our son have been married for 13 years. She is nine years younger than him and this is his second marriage. They have one child, who is 11.
She is always angry. She has a very explosive temper and yells, slams doors and has what I call tantrums. Her son is often on the receiving end of her anger. When he’s alone staying with us, he is calm, happy, helpful, an all-around good kid. She shows up and within five minutes, he is so different, nervous, and exhibiting off-the-wall kind of behavior.
They were here to pick up my grandson a few weeks ago and she had one of her tantrums. She stormed out of my house, slamming the door so hard the weather station fell off the wall and broke apart.
We started talking about her and her behavior and how it upsets us. She had quietly snuck back in the house and listened to our entire conversation. I took the opportunity to ask her why she is always so angry. She seethed at me “your son, all he wants to do is work and play his music.”
I admit we were talking about her and our opinions of her. My husband even said maybe our son works all those hours to get away from her. We are not blameless, but we did think we were having a personal conversation in our own home.
Needless to say, our son hasn’t contacted us at all nor has he let my grandson contact us.
I don’t know what to do. She will not speak to us. She has no relationship with her parents and no friends.
Do you see any way to have a relationship with my son and grandson going forward?
– Avoiding Anger
Dear Avoiding:
It’s possible that your daughter-in-law is emotionally abusing your son and grandson. So, the first step is to reach out to your son and express your regret about how things escalated and your concern for his safety. Tell him, even if he doesn’t feel comfortable reconnecting with you right now, he should reach out to someone for support – a therapist, a faith leader, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org/800-799-SAFE).
It’s dangerous for his family to be isolated from others moving forward. Even if his wife’s behavior doesn’t rise to the level of emotional abuse, it’s clearly disruptive and that relationship needs help.
You can’t force him to get help, but if you prioritize his safety and well-being right now, it’ll put you both in a better position to reconnect once he and/or his family get help.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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