Loneliness and a Search for Connection
After losing closer friends to death or moves, a woman is at a loss
A lonely woman has much to be grateful for, but she’s lonely and her search for connection with a few close friends seems fruitless. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I have a loving and attentive husband, two adult children who stay in touch, lots of relatives (many of whom live near me and with whom I have monthly contact.) I am in my late 70s and know well enough that travel, hobbies, classes, causes, work and helping others are ways to get connected. I do these things, but they do not satisfy me.
Most of my closer friends have died or moved away, and I don’t see that attrition changing. I long to have a few close friends that I can call or visit to share daily chitchat and deeper communication. Instead, I have to do all the reaching out, and do not feel that my efforts are returned.
I am aware of “all the lonely people” around me. But I am most aware of my own loneliness. It is profound and raw and unabated.
What is wrong with me? What can I do about this? I think I am caring and considerate, and show interest in others. Why do I not have any close friends at this stage of my life, after being committed to my family and community for so many decades?
– A Search for Connection
Dear Connection:
Sometimes when I get into a tough place emotionally, I ask myself “what is real and what do I feel?” Often, the Venn diagram of the two is one solid circle. At other times, there’s some distance. The distance doesn’t make either less valid. Feelings aren’t facts, but it is a fact that I feel and it’s important to honor that. However, feelings and facts often have different remedies.
In your letter, the facts are that you’ve experienced profound loss of some of your foundational connections. This is a part of life, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It also doesn’t mean that you won’t grieve these friendships and all the things they brought into your life. It’s possible that your grief process is making it even harder to feel connected to the loving husband you mentioned, or your hobbies or your other family members.
So, one thing you can do is talk to a therapist about what has happened and how you feel about it. Sometimes the remedy to loneliness and a search for connection is signing up for a class or introducing oneself to a stranger. But at other times, the remedy comes from deeper, slower internal work with a professional. I encourage you to see if that feels right for you.
This work can also help you figure out what parts of this stage of your life need to be accepted, and what can be pushed back on and changed.
Your first question was “what is wrong with me?” Although I don’t know you, I know that you’re not alone in feeling this way. And it’s highly unlikely that you’re to blame for your loneliness. Unfortunately, it’s not an easy fix, but by reaching out and processing what you’re feeling, you can experience a change.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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