Pawning Off the Cremains
No one seems to want the box of ashes
A man has had his brother’s box of ashes for four years. He wants to return them to the immediate family, but no one wants the cremains. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My brother died of Covid four years ago. When we flew to the memorial service, his wife’s sibling slipped us the box of ashes. She said my brother’s wife was too distraught to deal with it. We were so shocked we just put them in our trunk.
Those ashes came back with us on the flight and have been sitting on our porch in a bookshelf all this time. One of his children is now finished with college, and the other will soon be 18 and complete high school. My spouse did mention that maybe something should be done with them in a brief conversation with the adult child a few years ago, but they demurred. At what point is it OK to broach this topic of what to do with the ashes again?
I loved my brother, but it feels weird having his ashes on my porch. If I scatter them, I get in trouble. Everyone seems copasetic with me just keeping them. I am usually the responsible adult in my family, so this tracks, but I would feel better if the final resting place wasn’t my bookshelf.
After all, I won’t be here forever, either. We lost another brother three months later, and I scattered those ashes and those of his pets. I wouldn’t mind if someone else could take this on, but apparently no one wants the cremains.
– Ex Libris
Dear Ex Libris:
I’m curious why you’d get in trouble if you scatter them. If this is something you’re willing to do and no one else will, they don’t have the right to protest. This is easy for me, to say, of course. Family dynamics and the dynamics of grief bring up all kinds of conflicts.
So, instead of taking on that job (which you’ve said you don’t want anyway), you’ll need to force the issue by telling your brother’s wife and children, “I am sending you the ashes, as it’s more appropriate for them to be with your branch of the family. To whom should I address it?” This can be done in conversation or even by text. I know that there is a lot of pain involved, but pain doesn’t go away when it’s ignored (or given to a relative to deal with).
It was kind of you to take on keeping the ashes, but consider that broaching the issue now, and making it clear that it’s not up for debate, will help you and your family on your grief journeys.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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