Son and His Wife Are Serial Cancelers

He’s frustrated with his adult son and daughter-in-law because they are serial cancelers, backing out of their plans together. Worse, his second wife fears that they’re trying to avoid her. Now both are resentful and ready to throw in the towel. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.

Dear Eric:

I am married to my second wife. We are older. My only son, and his wife live close by, with their two daughters.

Recently, we bought tickets to an event for the four of us adults to attend. When we gave the tickets to my son and his wife, months ago, they seemed very excited and said they would find a way to get time off from work, find babysitters and attend this event with us. We bought the hotel rooms that would be needed, as well.

My son informed me recently that something has come up, work related, that he cannot get out of. I am sure this is true.

The problem is this keeps happening. We make plans, they are all in and then something comes up and they have to cancel. They often ask us to babysit since the granddaughters are too young to stay at home alone. We drop everything and are happy to babysit. We love those little girls.

We feel used and not appreciated. It feels like a one-way street. My wife loves my son and his family as if they were her own. But she feels like all of the canceled plans are because of her, that they don’t like being around her as much as she likes being around them. We want to quit giving gifts and quit making plans. Not to be vengeful, we just have been burned so many times now.

Is it wrong to request some time with the adults? Are we being too sensitive about canceled plans? The most recent episode has ruined my wife’s whole weekend. How can we work through this?

– Canceled, Again

Dear Canceled:

It feels like a one-way street because it is and that street leads directly to the raising of your granddaughters, which is what your son and his wife are rightfully focusing on. A lot of these issues can be chalked up to the difficulty of balancing parenthood with career and life. For many people, especially those with young kids, adult social engagements get the short end of the stick. Please, try not to take it personally.

I’m concerned about the leap to the assumption that they’re avoiding your wife. Why would that be? Isn’t it easier to believe that they simply have a lot going on in life right now?

You and your wife have more capacity for social plans and, presumably, fewer last-minute changes. I know that you’re trying to make it easy for them to say yes to things, from purchasing tickets to arranging hotels, but see if you can lower the bar even more.

What are the plans or gifts that would actually make things easier for your son and daughter-in-law in this phase of life? Maybe getting off of work and finding a babysitter in order to spend time with you feels like another in the long list of responsibilities right now, instead of an escape. I hope you’ll extend some more empathy to them. Requesting more adult time is fine, but you have to also listen to what they’re requesting of you, too.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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