Too Old to Host, Too Hard to Decline
Can they tell their guests ‘no more’?
After years of welcoming family and friends to stay at their home, a couple feels they’re too old to host, fatigued by the effort, and strained by the financial burden. How do they communicate their change of heart? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I have a lot of family that live across the country and also across the world. We are all very close and have wonderful relationships and throughout the years we have all routinely stayed with each other when we visit.
My husband and I live in a small house with one guest bedroom/bathroom. Although throughout the years we have happily welcomed people to stay with us, it is simply becoming too much. It’s just exhausting and stressful to try to entertain and feed guests for a week or more, and also, as two seniors on fixed incomes, we struggle to afford the meals out and activities.
After a couple of days, I am praying for them to leave and becoming extremely resentful of their presence in my home. I don’t like feeling this way about people that I love and care for.
Complicating this is the fact that certain of our relatives would not be able to afford a hotel when they visit. How can I address this issue?
– About to Lock the Door
Dear Lock:
As life goes on and we change, it’s natural for our capacities and our wants to change as well. Those that love us don’t always notice the changes, however, so it’s helpful to be communicative about them. To that end, tell your family members directly but kindly that although you love hosting them, it’s become harder than it used to be for various reasons and so you need to make a change.
Then you can suggest what that change looks like in your mind. You may want to limit the amount of time that people come, or you may choose to be upfront about the costs you incur and ask if folks can help foot the bill. Or you could decide that you’re out of the hosting business altogether. None of this is unreasonable and, indeed, your friends and family may be glad to know that they’re not burdening you and eager to find other ways to connect with you.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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