Turf Wars Over Grandmothers’ Names
The ‘real’ grandmother says she’s the only Nonna
The grandmother by genetics is adamant that her ex’s girlfriend not be called Nonna, too. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in on the turf wars over grandmothers’ names.
Dear Eric:
My ex-husband and I have been divorced for more than 20 years. We see each other at family functions and are very cordial and polite with each other, as I am to his girlfriend, who attends them all.
Neither of us remarried. He has been in this relationship with this female for many years but they don’t live together.
When our sons had their first babies (a boy and a girl, now 9) my ex wanted the family to refer to his girlfriend as Nonna. Our sons immediately shut that idea down, stating that their children have a grandmother and that they would refer to his girlfriend by her first name out of respect for their mother and especially not to confuse the children.
Recently, while attending an afternoon visit at one of my son’s, my daughter-in-law and I were having a conversation about my 9-year-old grandson while he was in the backyard with his dad and 6-year-old brother. In the conversation my DIL was relaying something that my grandson said about my ex-husband’s girlfriend and referred to her as “Nonna.”
Immediately, I asked “is he referring to his grandfather’s girlfriend as Nonna now?” He never had before nor had anyone else in the family. She replied “yes!”
I immediately said that I was not comfortable with that and that it really bothers me since I am clearly not dead. (And don’t plan to go anywhere any time soon.)
Here’s my question: Is there an unwritten rule for living grandmothers who have a great relationship with their grandchildren and their grandfathers’ girlfriends who want to share that very special title. (By the way, said girlfriend already has enough of her very own grandchildren)
– Carissima Nonna
Dear Nonna:
The problem with unwritten rules is – you guessed it – they’re not recorded in writing, so time and circumstance tend to shift them around. Now, you made your preference clear, and your son and daughter-in-law honored that, but somehow things have shifted.
Obviously, I can’t say for sure, but it’s possible that your grandson has started to think of grandmother figures in general as Nonnas and is using it as a blanket term, rather than a specific term of endearment for you. Any of the adults involved could have provided an alternative (“Oh, I’m Nonna Stephanie,” or what-have-you) and it would’ve saved some consternation. But, somehow, they didn’t.
So, try to re-frame the situation as it stands currently. Your relationship with your grandson remains unique and special. You’re not being replaced nor forgotten. I know the name has special meaning for you, but, as with Grandma or Grammy or any other nomenclature, try to remember that he’ll always know which one he’s calling when he uses it, and the history and future of each relationship will always be distinct.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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