Forced to Forgive and Forget
‘I don’t want their toxicity touching my life’
A sister has cut ties with her two sisters after learning of their major transgressions, but she’s being forced to forgive and forget by the family. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My parents recently died a few months apart. While taking care of my mom’s last wishes, my sister told me that she went to prison for human trafficking years ago. She wasn’t sorry for it in any way and defended her actions. She may as well have told me she was a serial killer. I can’t even look at her now.
I discovered my other sister, who became my dad’s caregiver after Mom died, was neglecting my dad by not giving him his medication, leaving him unsupervised (advanced Alzheimer’s), and recklessly spending, using Dad’s credit cards.
This didn’t surprise me since she abandoned her kids and then gave birth to another child while on meth. Her past is why I investigated the present, discovering she hadn’t changed a bit.
My extended family is pushing me to forgive and forget.
Am I wrong for turning my back on my sisters? I don’t want their toxicity touching my life or my children’s lives. And with the pressure my relatives are putting on me, I’m ready to let them go, too. Somehow, I’ve become the villain for refusing to kiss and make up with these two terrible women.
– Eyes Wide Open
Dear Eyes:
In your letter, I see your family pushing you to forgive and forget but I don’t see any apology, remorse or amends from your sisters. So, in reality the family members are not asking you to forgive, they’re asking you to ignore. To what end?
Turning a blind eye to transgressions that hurt a stranger and hurt your father for the sake of family peace is like trying to cover rotted floorboards with a throw rug. There’s so much wrong underneath that even if the appearance is normal, the damage will pull you down.
What your family is asking of you isn’t healthy. And, perhaps more importantly, it’s not right for you. They don’t get to dictate how you feel or how you process this disturbing information. Anyone who is pressuring you doesn’t have your best interests in mind. You can, and should, put a boundary up for your own health and safety.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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