When a Gift Exchange Loses Its Luster
Changing a tradition without hurt feelings
How can you communicate your changing needs if you’ve reached the point that gift-giving has become a meaningless tradition, when a gift exchange loses its luster? Try these solutions from advice columnist Eric Thomas and an experienced reader.
Dear Eric:
How does one politely suggest to an in-law’s relative that we don’t need to exchange Christmas gifts? My significant other and I are at the stage in life where we really do not need more “stuff” and would rather not deal with gifts that are generic at best and usually are re-gifted promptly via donation or gift-economy communities.
Perhaps I should suggest we only exchange consumables (gifts of homemade baked goods or gourmet food items), but that seems rather controlling.
This person has been nothing but kind to us in all our years of knowing them, but the awkward gift exchange is getting tiresome. I’m at a loss for how to deal with this and am hoping you have a delightful solution to this first-world problem.
– Feeling Bah-humbug
Dear Feeling:
It can be deceptively easy to fall into these sorts of back-and-forths. And, as you surely can attest, it is hard to delicately extract oneself. It can feel like rejecting a kind gesture, which could result in hurt feelings or worse. But if you suggest an alternative in place of the traditional exchange, that “no” becomes a “yes, but.” Even more importantly, it can be collaborative rather than controlling.
Try making a suggestion to your in-law about a different way of celebrating and asking their opinion. “Instead of the gift exchange this year, we’d like to bake you something. Is that something you’d be interested in?” This way, they’re free to express their wants – and they might say “no thanks” – but they’re also being encouraged to think more expansively about this tradition.
A reader solution to when gift exchange loses its luster
Dear Eric:
For years I’ve seen the same complaints about gift-receivers who are unhappy about the gifts they receive (ugly, wrong size, wrong style, not needed, not wanted, etc.) yet they cannot find a way out of this circle. For many years I was also on the receiving end of gifts that were lovingly wrapped and gifted. I understand that for many people the best part of Christmas is to send a beautifully wrapped and thoughtful gift.
I’ve discovered that when people ask, “what do you want?” and “I need a list for you/your family,” it’s coming from a place of love, not to terrorize you. However, I also know that I am one of the lucky people that needs nothing and wants for nothing.
My response is to request gifts of sheets, towels, blankets, cookware, dishes, suitcases, etc. and I happily donate these items to a homeless or rehoming shelter. My relatives are none the wiser and I’m able to send a truly heartfelt thank you note with how much I love these thoughtful gifts.
– Lucky to Need Nothing
Dear Lucky:
This is a lovely solution. Others who are trying this tactic this year might also consider letting their loved ones know about the donation plan so that the loved ones aren’t looking for that special Crockpot the next time they visit.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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