Stopping the Inappropriate Questions
Is it possible to stop someone who doesn't know the limits of decency?
An annoying acquaintance frequently asks very inappropriate questions, even around death and dying. Now that her own husband is in hospice, the writer really wants the questions to stop. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I have an acquaintance (B) who asks very inappropriate questions, and I would like to tell her, but I don’t want to make her feel bad. She does have a bit of a reputation for not understanding limits.
A neighbor to both of us was dying a couple of years ago and was under hospice care. Every time I encountered B, she asked if he had died.
Now my husband is in hospice although he may be discharged soon as he is doing well. When I reluctantly told B that he was in hospice she said, “is he dying?”
In shock I responded that we are all dying. She brushed me off and repeated her question. I repeated my response.
I had another friend who used to ask how much longer the ill person had to live. Someone did point out to her that it was not an appropriate question. I just don’t know how to tell my acquaintance to stop.
– Inappropriate Questions
Dear Questions:
It’s possible that your acquaintance thinks of the questions she’s asking in a different way. She may think she’s just asking for information or trying to understand someone’s medical situation, or she may misunderstand hospice to only be for people who are going to die soon. She may have trouble picking up on social cues. So, telling her how her questions are landing with you could be helpful.
Use “I” statements to express yourself. “When you asked if my husband is dying, I felt frustrated/hurt/angry because our focus is on his continued life. I don’t respond well to that question. If you’re curious how he’s doing in the future, would you please ask, ‘how is he?’ instead?”
By keeping the conversation about specifics and by letting your acquaintance know how you’d like future conversations to go, you empower her to adjust her behavior without getting drawn into a back-and-forth about her questioning quirks more generally.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
Find more words of wisdom like dealing with annoying questions: from insensitive parents to a husband’s mid-life crisis, and DNA surprises
Boomer Advice for Life department
For advice targeted to senior adults and their families – such as caregiving, grandparenting, and retirement communities
