Grandmom Comes Between Kids and ‘Third Grandma’
She keeps the other grandparents from bonding with the kids
A grandmom seems determined to grab all of the grandkids’ attention for herself, keeping the ‘third grandma’ and grandfather from bonding with the kids. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I am a “third grandma” in a family with several stepchildren and now their grandchildren. The problem is with my daughter-in-law’s parents, both of whom are lovely but annoying.
The kids have bonded with them, which is great. But her mother is almost always at their house and interferes with any attempts by their other grandfather or by me to likewise bond. We babysit but only after both kids are in bed. I ask them to our house, but the 20-minute trip is a hassle.
They do come to swim in my pool, but most often bring grandma number one. Especially if it’s a holiday or event, I will invite my stepson and daughter-in-law, and she will tell me she is bringing her mom. And later her dad.
The kids are clingy and there are too many adults for them to get to know.
I have largely given up, and nobody notices. But my partner’s son is sad his own father is also less involved but doesn’t see the cause. My whole career was with kids; I was a single parent; my partner was and is very close to his son. We are in general “good with kids.”
I want both of us to bond with the grandchildren and I don’t want to entertain other guests. Do other families routinely include their own child’s in-laws in their private family activities?
– Third Grandma
Dear Grandma:
I’m curious if you or your partner has talked with his son about the struggle you’re having connecting to his family. If not, it’s a good idea to do so first. But when you do, focus on how you want things to work and how you’d like to relate to each other, rather than the problems that are currently getting in your way. It will be easier for him to address a statement like, “we’d love to have some one-on-one time with the grandkids, or with you. Is that something you can prioritize?”
Your daughter-in-law’s relationship with her mother may not be one that you can effectively shift. It’s possible that this other grandmother is feeling lonely or has a special attachment to her daughter; it’s also possible that they don’t see any issue in the relationship. It’s also likely that, at least with holiday invitations, inviting her mother seems like a perfect way to get everyone together.
You probably can’t stop the in-laws from being annoying to you. But you do have the power to be proactive with your partner’s son and to make suggestions about ways that you and your partner can have the kind of contact you want to have.
Additionally, you didn’t write how old the kids are, but regardless of their age, it’s helpful to remember that parenting goes through many different stages, just as childhood does. So, your partner’s son and your daughter-in-law may be trying to manage the needs of the kids as best they can and may not realize there are other wants that are going unmet.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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