Managing Unexpected Revelations
DEAR AMY: I recently found out through a DNA test that the man I thought was my father for more than 60 years is not my biological father. The DNA test also revealed that I have a half-sister.
I do not want to be associated with this family and have decided not to communicate this new information with any of them. I have several siblings with whom I would like to share this information, but I’m scared they will spill the beans to their spouses or others, and the “news” will be all over town.
It would be embarrassing to our family name as well as to them and me (my parents are both deceased, as is the “sperm donor”). Since I don’t believe sharing this info will be of any benefit to anyone, I now have to figure out how to deal with keeping this secret for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I feel like I’m about to explode. The stress of learning this is about too much to bear and has made me see my mother in a very negative light. She had to have known the truth of my biological father, and yet kept quiet to save her own reputation. (Ironically, that is what I’m now considering doing through my own silence.) I’m sure my father had no idea that he was not my biological father. Amy, he doted on me!
Any suggestions about how to deal with my new family secret? – Mixed-Up!
DEAR MIXED-UP: I’ve received many questions regarding results of DNA testing, and while many people report positive reactions, even when the news is unexpected, there is no question that results like yours can pull a person into a tailspin.
Give yourself some time to process this.
I understand that this news upends your own ideas of who you are, but I’d like to offer you an alternative view: You are who you’ve always thought you were. Your family is your family. The father who raised and doted on you was your “real” father. Understand that it is possible that he knew you were not his biological child, whereupon he would have made the choice countless parents have made through time – to claim you and to love you. It’s really pretty simple.
DNA results may answer some questions you didn’t even know you had regarding your hair color or health history. But don’t let a DNA test kit tell you who you are and who your family is. YOU get to decide that.
I’m going to repeat the wisdom of DNA expert Richard Hill, whom I interviewed recently: “Knowing the truth is better in the long run. Events that happened decades ago are merely history and not scandal (especially true when the parents are deceased). No matter what anyone thinks of the actions of the parents, the siblings have done nothing wrong.”
I urge you to own this, claim it and disclose it if you want to. I think it would help you to talk about it, and I hope you will.
In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068
© 2018 by Amy Dickinson