Husband’s Facebook Relationship Raises Red Flags

By Amy Dickinson | February 2nd, 2024

It isn’t X-rated – could it be something worse?

Man messaging with a pretty younger woman. Image by Lacheev. Article on husband's Facebook relationship

A woman discovers her husband has been messaging a woman 30 years younger. Could her husband’s Facebook relationship become a romance? Or is it a catfishing scam? See what advice columnist Amy Dickinson says.

Dear Amy:

My husband “Ben” and I have been married for more than 30 years. He and I are both in our 60s.

He has been messaging a 35-year-old very attractive and single female that he became friends with over Facebook. To the best of my knowledge, they have never met in person.

I have surreptitiously checked his phone and have seen that these messages have become increasingly lengthy and personal and have included several pictures of themselves.

Granted, none of these are X-rated, but one of my concerns is that the intensity of this online relationship has grown quite exponentially in a very short time and could very well lead to actual X-rated.

What would someone my husband’s age really expect to get out of such a relationship, and what is driving this woman to pursue a relationship with someone old enough to be her father?

She is now writing that she is always thinking about him and is sending him hugs and kisses.

I am not sure what to do because I really cannot confront my husband regarding this as I know it will only end up in a massive argument with denials on his part about it being anything but innocent.

Your take?

– Alarmed wife

Dear Alarmed:

You seem to draw the line at “X-rated” messages, and yet if sexual messages are passed back and forth in this completely virtual relationship, what difference would their rating make?

I’m suggesting that the relationship is already happening, that it is already interfering in your marriage, that you don’t trust your husband, and you are surveilling him in secret.

Some people seek online romantic relationships because they want that thrilling, “You’ve got mail” rush. Your long-married husband might be seeking emotional connection and a feeling of fantasy and romance with a woman who would not glance at him twice in real life. Many people of a certain age yearn to feel younger, and so of course this appeals to him!

A woman half his age might engage in this Facebook relationship because she is looking for the same thing. Or something else altogether.

In fact, your husband might be getting “catfished” by a stranger. His correspondent might not be 35, and might not be a woman. “Catfish” reel people in using fake identities and photos. After establishing an emotional connection, they will then sometimes move in for more – emotionally and financially.

This relationship is affecting your marriage in a fundamental way. I hope you can find a way to discuss it.

Want to get even more life tips from Amy? Read more of her advice columns here!

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart – ranging from a husband’s Facebook relationship to dark family secrets and DNA surprises. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers. You can email Amy Dickinson at or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

©2024 by Amy Dickinson

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