Sage Advice: Woman's Crush on Coach Has Shades of Grey
Dear Amy: I’m a 52-year-old, happily married woman.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We enjoy a very close, passionate and loving relationship. I’ve been in menopause for the last year. This can be a challenge, because my libido is waning. My husband’s libido has not waned.
Here’s the thing: I’ve developed a crazy, physical crush on my daughter’s coach. Amy, he’s a good 22 years younger than me and I would absolutely NEVER cheat on my husband with him, BUT his effect on my libido is extraordinary.
My withering ovaries are doing somersaults and my libido seems to have been kicked into overdrive. Needless to say, my husband is thrilled by my sexual revival, but I can’t help but feel guilty. Like I said, I adore my husband. He’s a spectacular lover and a great person.
My dilemma is that while I feel anguish about my guilty secret, my husband is definitely benefiting. As long as I don’t act on my fantasies, am I okay having them? I know if the roles were reversed and it was my husband crushing on some nubile beauty, I would feel crazy jealous.
I’d appreciate your insights.
– What’s a Girl to Do?
Dear What’s a Girl: You are not cheating. You are not guilty of anything nefarious. You are a perfectly normal woman who is lucky enough to be experiencing a libido-surge during a period that can be very tough.
What you are experiencing now is partly what has made the “50 Shades” books and movies such a phenomenon among women, which is using a fantasy to spark a renewed and refreshed real-life and sexy connection with the person you love. I don’t see any difference between fantasizing about Christian Grey (or any ripple-chested attraction from a romance novel) and the soccer coach across a field.
I’m taking your terminology (“crushing”) at face value. A great crush will give you a wonderful boost, while relieving you of the complication and guilt of an actual involvement. A not-so-great crush can crush your other relationships.
Crush on this young coach from a distance, and keep it that way.
Furthermore, I hope you will relax your standards concerning your husband’s possible fantasies. Sex and love spring from different motivations. Show your love and passion abundantly and without reservation, and feel free to keep your fantasies to yourself.
In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068