Sage Advice: Seeking Camaraderie with New Neighbors

By Amy Dickinson | February 25th, 2020

Striking the balance between nosy neighbor and good friend

Neighbors throwing a backyard barbecue and not inviting their old neighbor

Dear Amy: I am a retired, 65-year-old woman. I live by myself in a townhouse community.

A few months ago, new neighbors moved in. They are two gay married men, in their 40s.

They introduced themselves to me, and invited me over to their house for a backyard barbecue the weekend after they moved in.

I was surprised that they invited me, because I thought they’d think I was old or boring.

And I went to their barbecue. I was very nervous, but I had such a good time! They were lovely and funny, and I had so much fun.

Besides waving “hello” to them, or the occasional quick chat outside, we haven’t talked since. They seem to have people over to their home almost every weekend; they are very active, but have never re-extended an invitation.

I don’t want to invade their space or be the “nosy neighbor.” I want to be in their company again, but I want it to be at their house.

I have always been shy, so I don’t know how I should approach this.

How should I get them to invite me back?

– Nervous Neighbor

Dear Nervous: Your smart (and nice) new neighbors have done the right thing by inviting you to their home soon after moving in. In a townhouse community, you are living in close proximity (possibly sharing a common wall), and by demonstrating how they entertain, they have created trust, understanding and – yes, your burning desire to spend more social time with them.

You should always and forever be authentically who you are, and you should read and respect whatever social cues they are sending.

These gentlemen likely have a long-standing social circle. You might not be able to angle your way into it, but you could probably deepen your relationship beyond the occasional wave hello.

Even if you don’t feel comfortable reciprocating by inviting these two into your own home, you should have thanked them for their hospitality by sending them a note and a small token – perhaps a plant for their garden.

In order to seed a friendship, you first need to let your neighborliness bloom.

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In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068