With Cancer Diagnosis, Family Hurts Need Healing
Is there a way to regain positive contact?
After a cancer diagnosis, an ignored sibling longs to heal the family hurts and find compassion from the family. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My family is very passive-aggressive. Often it is expressed by failing to include me in family events or even inform me of them. Many times, these are important events like a wedding, graduation, funeral, et cetera.
I haven’t done anything bad to deserve this treatment. I’m definitely not a Type-A personality like my siblings. Nor am I concerned with money, status or fitting in with the Joneses.
I have lived my life my own way; disregarding the constant advice and direction from my family. Their constant criticism was very hurtful, and my psychologist helped me deal with it.
However, I now have metastatic cancer and still have three siblings that rarely contact me. I don’t want anything from them except their moral support and prayers. Is there a way to make this happen?
– Cancer Warrior
Dear Warrior:
I’m sorry you’re going through this, both the diagnosis and the lack of support from your family. I want to preface my advice with a caveat. Your family may not be able to show up for you in the way that you need or want. The history that you described indicates that they may not understand the way that you want to be communicated with and loved.
So, while it’s possible to ask for what you want – and I encourage you to do so – it’s also important to make sure that you’ve got the support you’re looking for elsewhere. That may come from friends or other loved ones or a community – neighbors, a religious organization, a social group.
It may also come from a cancer support group, if you find that works for you. The top priority right now is that you are getting the emotional care that you need for this journey. Years of family misalignment or mistreatment aren’t going to go away overnight, and so some forms of contact might do more harm than good.
That said, you can reach out to your family with a specific request. “I have metastatic cancer and it will really help me if you’ll pray for me, can you do that?” Or “It would really encourage me if you’d commit to reaching out once a week by phone, Is that something you can do?” The specifics are important. Because one person’s “keeping in touch” may not match another person’s expectation. And, again, if they can’t or won’t show up for you in the way that you need, that doesn’t mean no one will. Once you figure out what ideal support looks like, feel free to ask others for it, too.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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