A Friend’s Hidden Grief
When you learn of a friend’s loss – but you aren’t supposed to know
A woman learns of her friend’s hidden grief after a mutual acquaintance revealed the secret that the friend’s son had died the year before. The woman isn’t supposed to know, but she wants to help. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
A friend I’ve known since grade school lost her son last year. She has not told anyone in our group. I found out from a neighbor who received a letter addressed to my friend. Before she gave the letter to my friend, she looked up the sender. The information in the letter explained her son (age 41) was found dead on the sidewalk in a city nearby. He overdosed.
My friend is behaving strangely. She spent several nights in her car in a supermarket parking lot. (She has a home.) She is at home for several days at a time. She did not answer when I asked her why she didn’t go to work.
She got quiet when I asked about her son. Other friends and I know she is suffering. We understand she may be embarrassed about her son passing away on the sidewalk. We want to help her, but we don’t know how to let her know we know what happened to her son. Do we just come out and tell her we know?
She may get mad at the neighbor for telling me about the letter. Or do we wait until she is ready to tell us?
– Friend’s Secret
Dear Secret:
The neighbor may have had good intentions, but she did your friend, and you, an awful disservice by sharing news that wasn’t hers to share. This puts you in a difficult position, but even worse, it robs your friend of the privacy she so clearly desires right now.
Grief is complex and, often, confusing. Your friend has the right to navigate this seismic shift in her life and her emotional landscape the way she wants.
However, that doesn’t mean you should leave her alone. She’s clearly in crisis. So, talk to her about what you’re observing; be clear, kind and frank. “I think that you’re in pain and I’m concerned that you may be in danger. I don’t want to pry, but I care about you and I want to help.” Give specific examples, like the incident in the parking lot.
Ask if she is also concerned about some of her behaviors. Ask if you can help support her by accompanying her to see a doctor, a therapist or a trusted faith leader if she’s a part of a congregation. Right now, she needs your presence. She needs to know someone is paying attention. There will be time later for her to tell you the root cause of her behavior. The first priority is keeping her safe.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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