Ready to Disengage from Dysfunctional Sister
‘I feel I’m being used and abused’
A woman’s dysfunctional sister won’t repay her loan, though the woman and her husband still pay her rent. They fear she’ll become homeless but are tired of being used. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My older sister, with whom I’ve never been close, is in her 80s and highly dysfunctional with money and life. She can’t make ends meet despite being a real estate agent and a substitute teacher.
I have “loan papers” she signed years back promising to pay me/us back, which never happened. Finally, I put a boundary on us to only pay her rent.
My husband fears if we don’t, she’ll be homeless, which is not what we want at all. We are financially stable and aren’t hurting financially, just emotionally as I feel I’m being used and abused.
I recently learned she borrows lesser amounts of money from my brother and pays him back. Any advice on how to emotionally, if not financially, disengage from her? No one else in the family can or will help her.
– Upset Sister
Dear Sister:
One solution may be to release the expectation of payback and focus on the emotional wound. Not that she shouldn’t pay you back – she should. But it sounds like her problems with money management are also communicating that she doesn’t care about the help you’re giving or is taking that help for granted. That may make the debt feel even bigger, for both of you.
Try to have a direct conversation about this arrangement. You may want to start by stating that your financial support isn’t contingent on the outcome of this conversation. Tell her how you’ve felt, using “I” statements, and ask if she understands where you’re coming from. Tell her how you’d like to feel and how you’d like her to play a part in that, be it by simply acknowledging your help or by making strides to be a better steward of her money.
It also sounds like she needs a more extreme intervention. That may not be something you want to take on. But consider financial counseling services for older adults or even conservatorship to help prevent her from mismanaging her money and relieve you of the worry you’ll have to clean up a mess for her.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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